Saying “No” Without Guilt
by Ashley Graham-Wilcox
In ministry – both lay and ordained – the word "yes" often feels like the default. Yes to revisiting that topic. Yes to last-minute requests. Yes to emails and texts at all hours. But as we explored in last week’s Digital Boundaries workshop, always saying "yes" can lead to unrealistic expectations, diminished effectiveness. resentment, and burnout.
Learning to say "no" isn't just a personal boundary—it can be an act of stewardship over our energy, time, and gifts. So, how do we do it? And why does it feel so hard?
Building on last week’s conversation, this article dives deeper into my burgeoning hobby of saying "no" without guilt, and how we might all empower one another by setting and respecting boundaries, until we transform the way we work throughout the church.
The Guilt Trap: Why Saying "No" Feels Wrong
In jobs that are “calls” and in work that is ministry, we may feel that we can’t say no for a variety of reasons. Which one(s) of these resonate with you?
A fear of disappointing others. Many ministry leaders carry the weight of being the only "go-to" person for their community and worry that turning down a request will lead to unmet needs or hurt feelings. Many of us also work non-traditional hours, with youth, or remotely, and feel like being available on-demand is the best way to be reliable.
Confusion about what boundaries actually are. Boundaries and burnout have become buzzwords, often misused or dismissed as pop-psychology trends. But setting limits isn’t about shutting people out—it’s about creating the conditions that allow you to serve with energy and authenticity when you can.
The glorification of overwork. How many of us have been in ministry spaces where exhaustion is a badge of honor? Where people subtly (or not that subtly) compete over who’s stretched the thinnest? A culture that equates being overburdened with being committed makes it especially hard to say "no" without feeling like we’re failing.
The fear of losing influence or relationships. Ministry is relational, and saying "no" can feel like closing a door. We worry that if we set too many boundaries, people will stop coming to us, or we’ll miss out on opportunities to make a difference.
The technological web is too tangled to untie. At some point, your personal cell phone number became public knowledge. Now, texts, calls, and emails flow in at all hours, making it feel impossible to reclaim your off-hours.
The "I can do it faster/better myself" mindset. Delegation is great in theory, but in the moment, it can just feel easier to do things ourselves, even off the clock or uncompensated. Guilt can even creep in when we say "no" because we wonder if we’ve just made someone else’s life harder—or if the task will get done "the right way" without us.
Research suggests that people feel guilty saying no because they overestimate how much others will be upset by their refusal. The truth? Most people respect clear boundaries when communicated well. The key is shifting our mindset: saying "no" to one thing means saying "yes" to something else—like your well-being, your family, or the long-term health of your ministry. (Let’s remember that Jesus did it, too, modeling the practice of stepping away to rest and pray – even when crowds were clamoring for more.)
Strategies for Saying "No" Without Guilt
As I said, I am new to this, so here are some tips from our Zoom call and the internet on ways to set boundaries with grace and clarity:
Reframe "No" as a Healthy Leadership Choice Instead of seeing "no" as a rejection, frame it as an act of intentionality. Your time and energy are finite, and stewarding them well allows you to show up fully present in the areas that matter most. This can look like intentionality in your email signature (“I typically take Friday and Saturday off, and will reply to your email during my regular working hours.”), or declining an invitation to yet another committee: “I appreciate the invitation, but I need to focus my energy on the projects I’ve already committed to.”
Use the "Not Now, But…" Approach If a request isn’t possible, but you still want to support the person, try this phrasing: “I can’t take this on right now, but let’s check in next month to see if I have capacity.” Offering a future touchpoint communicates care without overcommitting.
Set Clear Digital Boundaries Just as we discussed in the Digital Boundaries workshop, establishing expectations for when and how people can reach you reduces the pressure to always be available. Tools like Microsoft Bookings or Google Appointment Scheduler allow people to request time with you within your designated availability, rather than assuming immediate access. Setting an automated email response like, “Thank you for reaching out! I’ll get back to you during office hours,” can provide clarity and reinforce your boundaries.
Say "No" with Confidence, Not Apology Many of us soften "no" with unnecessary apologies, or, if you’re me, an overabundance of explanation. Instead, try: “I won’t be able to take this on, but I appreciate you thinking of me.” A direct, gracious response shows respect for both yourself and the person asking.
Lead by Example When ministry leaders practice boundary-setting, they give their teams and congregations permission to do the same. A healthy church culture values sustainable service over burnout. If saying "no" makes you feel guilty, remind yourself: a thriving leader creates a thriving ministry. Brené Brown offers three tools to stay on track: Establish a mantra; keep a resentment journal, and rehearse.
Final Thought: Boundaries Are an Act of Faith
When you say no without guilt, you allow your yes to carry more weight. You free yourself to be present where you’re needed most and give your community permission to do the same. In ministry, the work is never-ending—but you are not.
What are your biggest challenges when it comes to saying "no" in ministry? Let’s keep the conversation going in the comments! Share your experiences and questions, and join us for our upcoming workshop, Adding Joy and Creativity to Ordinary Time, to explore more ways to thrive in ministry.
